Just MY opinion..

 Obesity is NOT a disease.. THERE are diseases that lead to obesity , and if you find out what those diseases are and you take care of them, you will do just fine. 

Now, I am sure there are "few of you" who take it personally, and  start a fire where fire is not needed,  but I stay strong to my OPINION.
I work hard to stay 6-10 size.. It varies from month to month, and I know IF I don't work hard, I end up 300 lb woman because I LOVE FOOD. I can eat nonstop and not feel full. I can...  BUT I choose not to.. I eat, I work out and I enjoy it.


WHEWWWW, I feel better now that i said it OUT LOUD :D

Love as it is :)

Most likely your boyfriend, boytoy, husband, girlfriend lover, girlfriend best friend always tells you.. "YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN  I HAVE EVER KNOWN".:)  Most likely you smile and blush and get down with your business, or just blush, or say AWWW THANKS, or NO WAY , JOSE ;)..

It just made me think.. When did that special someone said that? When you had full make up on, When you just gave the best BJ, when you just had FULL waxing job done  or when you had personality makeover ( I think we all need that last one ).  But seriously.. WHen do guys find us BEAUTIFUL?  Because beauty really is only skin deep, and if your personality sucks   all you really have to is to be good at sex or BJs.. hahah..

I am just in really good mood tonight.  NOT because I had awesome sex...BUT because I had great talk with my husband AND NOT about sex. Just talk about things, without yelling at each other.. "YOU FUCKIN" Moron...... .Instead we just smiled and said.. LET ME THINK about it.. haha.

Anyway... What MAKES you the MOST beautiful Woman to your Partner???   And if you tell me that it is your pinky finger.. I  will just laugh out loud... And I mean it ;)

As much as I hate being me, I actually have more moments Loving ME. I am sure we all remember those teenage years. Everything mattered, everything got under our skin. Every word that people told us made us ether go mad or feel happiness, fall into deep depression, or wonder about gazillion other things. I am glad I am not THAT anymore.

I don't care if someone tells me they don't like my hairstyle.. OK, you don't have to like it. You don;t have it, so why do you even care??? You say you don't understand why I changed my mind about my marriage, and think I am stupid. Again, so ??? Why does it matter to you ? My feelings, My love , my life? Right? You don't like my friends? You don't understand why I communicate with such a broad range of people--- Well, it is easy- Nick and I started out having nothing.. nothing at all. We have all sorts of friends and they are all dear to us. Just be you, but better you. All my friends have something to offer , all of them are equally special for us.
You ask lot of questions but are you really ready for answers, because you may not like what I have to say?
SOmeone wise once said - "Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once." And we are doing it right now. My family is my life, love, pain, tears, laughs, and much more. It makes sense to me, us... We fight for what we love. We make it work ...
Instead of complaining blahblahblah... DO something....

I don't know what to say, or what to do, or how to build my confidence level up again. I want to feel that I can conquer the WORLD, or at least I want to feel like I will be able to do it.
Right now everything is maybe. Maybe I can do this, MAYBE I am smart enough, MAYBE I am beautiful , confident. Maybe. Everything is maybe. I am still lost,.. very lost. Lost in this world Lost in Me. Lost, but longing to find ME, GET TO KNOW ME again.

I am not a great friend, I am not a great person. I AM TRYING, but I am not trying hard enough. I feel like I have separated me from "world" , I am very picky and am very selective and critical about everything and everybody.. In a way I feel good about having my feet on ground, but I am not feeling great about speaking my mind and hurting some people.

Be patient. THere will be more of me:)

I am not here to please anyone. I am here for me. I am here with my thoughts and feelings. I have been honest. I have been ME.
There are days I wish people could be more than themselves. JUST forget about "game faces". Stop pretending that you are something else. But I can't ask for it. It is their choice, their freedom. if they want to pretend, I have to deal with it. But I can't stand it when they turn around and do something behind their friends back..

anger, anger, anger.

I want my anger to leave me alone. I want  to grieve without anger... I feel angry I could not grant Reginas wish to keep her alive.  One of  our last conversations  we had was about letting go, and I told her  that we are happy that she has been our ANgel all these years, but we want  her to be happier and take no mroe medicine, and just let go.....   I remember the look in her eyes.   I remember the sudden saddness that came over her....  She did not speak for 2 minutes a and when she finally did, she only said - " I don't want to die"...
Myself I was dying inside. I could not keep it together, I just cried   while she just laid down her eyes closed....  After that she had  couple of confusing, but good days.. SHe was smiling, and  giving us last directions, and I have not been able to follow those directions. I have not been able to  play online with her webkinz... I look at them daily next to her Urn, but I can't insert her password,  and username.. I cant...

  I feel anger towards cancer, and  how little doctors really know about cancer and genes, and drugs--  .
I feel angry at those few times I got mad at her.... .. 

I HATE GOING TO STORES and seeing HER STYLE EVERYWHERE....  I  Miss making her her favorite foods and making her smile  . I miss how she hugged me when I needed my hug, and I miss hugging her tight when she needed one hug...  I miss how she pushed me away and said -- ENOUGH__- I want to watch TV NOW....


I don't want to miss her so much that it is hard to breathe at times..

 I  LOVE HER SO MUCH IT  HURTS...

Don't mess with Diana Tan. I'm from Seto Ghetto and I can hurt you ;)

Love Hurts

You all know I am complicated and weird. I do my own thing, I walk my own route. Once in a while I get lost , but I find my way out and do my best to be me again. It is so easy to get lost in this mixed up weird perfection seeking world. . With me it is- You see what you get, and sometimes even something extra. You you never know what that extra is... Temper tantrums? sudden laugh out loud without any good reason.. Sudden crying spells.. Yeah. I am human after all. I have feelings, thoughts, obsessions, opinions. I don't care if you don't agree with them. I am not accepting you to agree with me 100%. JUST accept me the way I am. And be ready for surprises:),,,

Love you all :)

I know few of you are confused about what the heck I was talking in my previous post- ME AND CONFUSED?? NEVER.... BUT the truth is.. I have been having those confusing moments more and more.
As some of you know, Nick and I decided to separate. ( WELL, I decided first and he just does whatever I want .. ;) ) I know I know I know, HE is one great catch, and whoever gonna get him will be luckiest woman on earth :) AND that was one of my confusing points... WHY in the world I want to give him up and leave this lifestyle and standards . WHY I am unhappy? I am not. I really am not, but I can't change what my heart says. I can't just look him into eye and lie about rest of my life. THat is not me.
I STILL DO LOVE HIM, and that will never change but my love for him now is more caring , friendly, My love for him is Different...
ANother thing my friends have been asking from me. AM I ready to downgrade my life? AM I? I really don't know.
I am country girl. Grew up with caws and pigs and fleas and chickens and drying hay every summer for cows and digging potatoes out fo ground every year ( YES I DID, and I was younger than gabriel when I first had to do those chores ) Child labor... AND I did fine.. I HATED it, I hated country lifestlye, I hated dirt, I hated doing laundry and dishes by hand. I HATED NOT HAVING AC or running water in house.. I STILL DO HATE THAT. AND I WILL NEVER EVER IN MILLION YEARS GO BACK TO THAT. BUT.. IF I build my own house in country side with AC and heat and running water and bathroom IN HOUSE.. I think I COULD do fine.. I guess.
ANyway. I don't like hard physical work. I am not afraid of it. I can do it, but I HATE IT. I'm no babe, but it's just the way I feel. I like people in US. I love FOOD here, I love drinks here.. Once in a while I will tell people oh yeah, I miss chocolates or beer (ONLY BEER I miss is A le coq).. But I don't really. I am one confused Estonian. I love spicy mexican food, I Love Cosmos, I love rear tuna and CA rolls, and tofu ...
OH, I better stop now... I also don't miss estonian TV, or Radio or literature. OR who is who in there....
ALL I really care is my friends, my family and my boyfriend... But everything is very complicated. SUper complicated. I stop here... because I am sure you are done with this anti Estonian crap...

You know what is sad? My PMS 24/7 is not all that anymore. OH, there are things that get me ANGRY and boiling and smokin' but i take gazillion breaths in and blow them out and i am almost ok . ALMOST.. But one thing that still bugs me.. I still don't know who I really am. I have been doing some soul searching. I know what I like, I know what I hate. I know what turns me on and fires me up. BUT who is real Diana anyway? There are so many ME's IN ME, that time to time i find myself wondering- what the fuck is wrong with me?

I don't feel like PMSing..

.




.. I should, but I don't want to ruin your holiday moods...
I love winter. I love California winter, because it is closest to Estonia Fall. I love rain and storms and clouds. I love stupid people who have no idea how to drive on rain. And I love how they blame how rain made them to have accident.. LOVE IT.

I also love Candlelight and fire on fireplace. It is so beautiful and peaceful. I feel like i don't need my antidepressants anymore, because I have been staring fire in my fireplace past 7 days... Candles are burning nightly and I enjoy my wine with Cheese. ( srry, My butt is getting kind of cheesy too, but who cares.

I also love that my Husband and I have come to an agreement to move on separate ways:) We have stronger and better relationship now. We talk more, laugh more and just hang out. I know, some of you think it is kind of weird that we still live under same roof... BUT, you know what.-- WHY NOT??? We will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary on December 28th. Not sure what we will do, but we have to celebrate it. Kids do not know it yet.... We have our reasons and I know you understand and respect that :)
I know, we are weird. Super weird. ALways been, always will be. That's not gonna change:) And I don't want it to change. I want to be hard to figure out . Nobody but me knows WHO real ME is. And I want it to stay that way:) I know you all have your interpretations about WHO I AM. I wanna hear them:) Don't hold back. LET IT OUT. JUST LIKE I AM DOING. most of the time. ;)

Best buy part 2

Seriously, what the fuck is up with that. I called them today again, REQUESTING return slips... Guess what, Those retards think they are working. They don't do a shit... Second time I asked them to email me those Slips, THEY N EVER DID. AND they do have correct email in their file. Well, it's their loss. I am NOT returning those parts back to them Till they email me some sort of return labels., and I keep calling them till I will be on their blacklist.... DORKS.. That's all I can say...

NOW, on a good note. I can not stand being a woman. I really can't. My hormones are driving me insane, and All I can do is sweat about it... I do not want to go on birth control. Because then I will sweat even more... And most likely get a high blood pressure.. and so on... I just want my beard to stop growing. i am tired of shaving nightly... hehe And there are all these beauty rituals I have to do to look somewhat acceptable... Blah... and that's it..

best Buy drama

Small things, like peoples stupidity is what makes me angry. I can't stand companies, who can't do their job right. I Just don't understand. ALl They got to do is FIND me right AC adapter with right jack....
They keep sending me something that does not work.
Today after 30 minutes on phone, I was told that Srry, HP discontinued doing IDENTICAL adapters to mine.. SO DEAL WITH IT... WTF??? I have warranty. I have no idea what to do. I NEED IT. I NEED MY AC ADAPTER that works with my adapter.

YOU see, this kind of SHIT, that just drives me completely insane. I don't care if they discontinued making then. I NEED ONE, and I need one NOW....

THE one I need is on right, and the WRONG one on left ( They sent me SAME adapter TWICE already )... .... .... Difference in minor, BUT it matter to my laptop. MY laptop needs what it needs, and that end of this fucking story... :(:(:(:(:(

PS. Best Buy partsearch told me to contact HP. Screw them...

UUUUHHHH

Finally I have something to bitch about... Well, not really, but I write about it anyway.
You all know my love for hair and hair color. crazy colors. I am not sure how, but whatever color I do my hair I look good.. ( yeah, you heard it right). Past month or 2 I have been walking around with pink hair. Kids LOVEd it, not sure about parents. I am sure they did not see me as THE best role model for their kids... hehe.. But who cares anyways. It is all about me and if I like it and can pull it off then screw them ;)

AND now. I thought that it was about time for change. So I bought a box of Revlon BLACK hair color and after 4 dollars, and 40 minutes I had spanking new hair. WOHOOO..

So today was really funny day.
Well, I really do not color my hair to get attention, I do it because I feel better about my self when I do something drastic. ANd from Pink To Black, it was pretty drastic.
So , today I did my regular thing. I went to pick up kids from school. And comments started flying in.. WOW, Black. YOU really can pull it off.. WOW, you look really sophisticated and classy.... ( whatever that means.... lol), after 20 comments I kind of wanted to disappear for a while, since I thought that was enough attention for a day... lol. Couple of people did not recognize me, since I was not PINK anymore. Oh what a day. Not much drama, but enough to last for a day.:)

I do not know...

I hope it is not to late to apologize. i am still PMSing 24/7 but feel the need not to share my thoughts with you. My world as it is is full of unpleasant surprises and happenings. One thing after another. There are days that I do not want to get out of bed because I have no desire to deal with what life throws me..( US). But I put on my "party" shoes and start living large..
I really am sick dealing with hospitals, doctors and medications. I am so tired of living one day at a time... I wanna see future, but I am to scared to look ... I want to be prepared but same time I do not know how to do so.

...

It doesn't happen that often that i leave my house without camera. I usually have it in my car on in my purse...

Well, this past Friday I did not take my camera with me. And oh boy how I regret it.
The thing is. We had girls night out. 5 crazy, sexy , cool Estonian girls gone wild. IT was night to remember. We went to Shark Club. It was my first time to go to that club. My fave Night club around here was Club Vegas, but they closed it down. So we went to Shark Club. They have a shark tank in middle of club and 2 dance areas and plenty of room to dance...
In club we found out that It was ASIAN night. ANd let me tell you- they did not lie. It really was 90% of Asians in this club.
Luckily I was smart enough and got us Bottle service area( VIP)- 5 girls, bottle of absolut vodka and unlimited amount of juice. ... To be honest I still can't remember some of the things happened on that night, but I do remember that THIS night was the most fun I have had for a very LOOONG time. We met some cool people, danced like we never danced before, and woke up next morning wondering ( I am talking to myself) hurting all over my body.

Honestly, for a while I thought that someone had spiked my drink, because I had way to much energy and I COULD not sit down calmly, I was like energizer bunny just kept going and going and going... And then I crashed... Very weird....
Luckily I was not the one who had to drive. I spent a night at my friends house and enjoyed GREAT SPICY breakfast that her husband made.( when I have hangover JUst give me bottle of tabasco).

OK. i am not going to get into details, but I WISH WE HAD CAMERA with us.

Tana kirjutan ma Eesti keeles/ todays blog in Estonian

Kalli sobranna Mairega ja Abikaasa Nickiga :)
Yup, tana naerdi my yle Regina koolis. Emad soovisid mulle tagantjargi onne ja ytlesid et ma olen veel taitsa beebi oma 30 aastaga. Oleks pidanud ennast nagu taitsa hasti tundma, kuid enamus lapsevanemaid on juba meie 600 lapselises koolis neljakymne ja vanemad. On kyll moned taitsa noored emad, kuid neid on vahe.

Yldiselt hakatakse siin laste peale motlema umbes 35selt.
Orange county on omaette ooper. No muidugi oleneb kus Orange countys sa ka elad. Lahemale Ookeanile, seda rohkem korgklassi draamat, kui aga rannast eemale soita tuleb ette taitsa monusaid gangsta alasid... Kus mina aga elan on vaga super hea suburb. Laguna niguel on umbes 70 000 inimesega pere rajoon. Rahalised kiirteed on lahedal, ta valine Highway 5 on lahedal--koik on fucking kae ja jala ulatuses. Moni vaidleb vastu et Laguna Niguel on igav ja nome, kuid tavaliselt on need vaidlejad lastetud linnavurled, kes on harjunud ooklubide lahedal elama. Jah, Laguna niguel on toesti Planeeritud pere linnake. muidugi on see tais vaikeseid armsaid bubikesi ja ka paar ooklubi, kuid kui tahame ikka nii oelda mollu panna siis peaksime Laguna Beachile soitma ( umbes 19 min), voi siis newport beach/ Costa mesa umbes 20 minutit. ma ei hadalda. Tunnen end meie Varavavahtidega communitys taitsa turvaliselt. Naabri magamistoa aknast saan kohe sisse vaadata kui tahtmine tuleb, kuid mida ma neid ikka vahin ;) Naabrite asemel naudin aga ilusat vaadet oma magamistoa aknast. Voi siis alumise korruse peretoast ( kes mul kylas on kainud teavad millest raagin).
Miks ma aga koigest sellest kirjutan.... .Minult on ysna tihti kysitud et kus ma siis elan, ja kuidas ma elan, ja kellega ma elan. Kysijale suupihta aga ei looda . Kui teile aga vastus ei meeldi, siis allrighty,..
Elan hasti. Pole kodukana, kuna vahihaige lapse eest hoolitsemine on taiskohaga too, samuti olen oma abikaasale palgaline Sekretar asjaajaja ( Poltsamaalt saadud sekretar asjaajaja eriala ikka vaja ka ju harjutada). Toopaev algab hommikul kell 6 ja loppeb ohtul 11. Kool algab lastel 7.40. Kool saab labi 2.10. Selle aja sisse mahuvad "errands". Kahjuks disaineri poodides shoppamine EI ole yks mu erranditeks, kuna keeldun raha kulutamast ajuvabale rampsule.

Kella poole kolmest algab mul lastega kodu too, siis kokkamine, Reginale rohud, siis vannitamine, ja siis uneaeg. Minu aeg algab kella 8ksast ohtul Siis saan lopuks ennast diivanile potsatada ja rahulikult oma iga ohtust veiniklaasi nautida.

Anyway, ma kirjutaks veel, kuid ei viitsi ennast enam kiita kui tubli ma ikka olen.

Friendship...

No time for yawning. I am thankful for great friends, great wine and Saturday nights.
BUT who do you consider your real friends? Why is it that sometimes you think somebody is your friend, but that "friend" turns around and stabs you in the back. DO you return this "favor" or you just let it go... After all, we are not in high school anymore ...



A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else

Duh..

First I want to thank you all for checking in once in a while and leaving comments here and there...


It is friday night 11.56 and I am home with kids.. I told my husband to but on his " bachelor" clothes and get OUT... hehe he has been home and practicing piano ALL DAY LONG. GOD, my head is about to explode. I understand that he wants to learn to play, but OH COME ON, give me a break, same ding dong dang ALL DAY LONG.

NOw, it is May. It is my birthday month. I know guys it is hard to believe , but I am STILL under 30, and this fun will last few more days. May 8th will be that horrible day everybody is so afraid off?
WHY? What's wrong about turning 30, 31, 32, etc? Isn't that like , like, like, like so normal, like you like supposed like turn 30 like after 29 like that???( see I am getting nervous myself). YAWN, yawn yawn.


Why I am really posting this is let you know and rise awareness about your wallets, checkbooks, credit cards. I am hoping that at least couple of you will donate some money to Childrens hospital of Los angeles In REgina Tan's honor ( for Brain tumor research). CHLA and Dr Dhall have been amazing with Regina , and I hope , I really do hope that people keep giving , so one day all this money can help to find a cure. And I know you all want to be part of it :)
https://www.kintera.org/site/c.ipINKTOAJsG/b.3882839/apps/ka/sd/donorcustom.asp?kntaw30544=02A2822999C24B42872E2E3E26BCD73D

Anyway, Happy upcoming birthday to me. I will celebrate it in Persian restaurant in Encino ( 70 miles from Laguna), since I just feel like it. :)
OK. It is now 11.11 and my husband is still not home....