Tuesday, October 20, 2009

anger, anger, anger.


I want my anger to leave me alone. I want  to grieve without anger... I feel angry I could not grant Reginas wish to keep her alive.  One of  our last conversations  we had was about letting go, and I told her  that we are happy that she has been our ANgel all these years, but we want  her to be happier and take no mroe medicine, and just let go.....   I remember the look in her eyes.   I remember the sudden saddness that came over her....  She did not speak for 2 minutes a and when she finally did, she only said - " I don't want to die"...
Myself I was dying inside. I could not keep it together, I just cried   while she just laid down her eyes closed....  After that she had  couple of confusing, but good days.. SHe was smiling, and  giving us last directions, and I have not been able to follow those directions. I have not been able to  play online with her webkinz... I look at them daily next to her Urn, but I can't insert her password,  and username.. I cant...

  I feel anger towards cancer, and  how little doctors really know about cancer and genes, and drugs--  .
I feel angry at those few times I got mad at her.... .. 

I HATE GOING TO STORES and seeing HER STYLE EVERYWHERE....  I  Miss making her her favorite foods and making her smile  . I miss how she hugged me when I needed my hug, and I miss hugging her tight when she needed one hug...  I miss how she pushed me away and said -- ENOUGH__- I want to watch TV NOW....


I don't want to miss her so much that it is hard to breathe at times..

 I  LOVE HER SO MUCH IT  HURTS...

3 comments:

Kathy said...

I think it has to start with anger, I'm not sure there is any other way.

My own anger ebbs and flows. Kyra, Steven, Regina, and all the others.

But how can we not value our own lives after seeing the high value Regina placed on her own life by the strength of the battle she waged just for the privilege of living another day?

I think we do her honor by trying to make as much as we can of our own lives, by not taking that gift for granted, by not letting anger swallow all the good things.

Right now you're walking across a bed of razor blades, but there is smoother ground and easier going ahead in the distance.

It's different, but my heart hurts too. I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

Dear Diana, I wish you would change your comment section back so i could still comment but I understand why you did it. Would you mind if I made my comments here. I don't have a google account. I think you made the best decisions and right decision and you never ever gave up on Regina ever! Don't listen to that foolish persons crap - how stupid i am so pissed at how someone could even say such a thing about you. Please try and stay strong.
Debbie from Montreal

Tiffani said...

i am sure her webkinz have plenty of friends. let me know if you decide to play... I can log onto my daughter's and we can play. may feel good to play with something she loved so much. to take care of her little loves as you did her. but its ok if you cant too. do whatever you want when you want. you are entitled to that right now.
xoxo-tiffani