Saturday, April 25, 2009


I know few of you are confused about what the heck I was talking in my previous post- ME AND CONFUSED?? NEVER.... BUT the truth is.. I have been having those confusing moments more and more.
As some of you know, Nick and I decided to separate. ( WELL, I decided first and he just does whatever I want .. ;) ) I know I know I know, HE is one great catch, and whoever gonna get him will be luckiest woman on earth :) AND that was one of my confusing points... WHY in the world I want to give him up and leave this lifestyle and standards . WHY I am unhappy? I am not. I really am not, but I can't change what my heart says. I can't just look him into eye and lie about rest of my life. THat is not me.
I STILL DO LOVE HIM, and that will never change but my love for him now is more caring , friendly, My love for him is Different...
ANother thing my friends have been asking from me. AM I ready to downgrade my life? AM I? I really don't know.
I am country girl. Grew up with caws and pigs and fleas and chickens and drying hay every summer for cows and digging potatoes out fo ground every year ( YES I DID, and I was younger than gabriel when I first had to do those chores ) Child labor... AND I did fine.. I HATED it, I hated country lifestlye, I hated dirt, I hated doing laundry and dishes by hand. I HATED NOT HAVING AC or running water in house.. I STILL DO HATE THAT. AND I WILL NEVER EVER IN MILLION YEARS GO BACK TO THAT. BUT.. IF I build my own house in country side with AC and heat and running water and bathroom IN HOUSE.. I think I COULD do fine.. I guess.
ANyway. I don't like hard physical work. I am not afraid of it. I can do it, but I HATE IT. I'm no babe, but it's just the way I feel. I like people in US. I love FOOD here, I love drinks here.. Once in a while I will tell people oh yeah, I miss chocolates or beer (ONLY BEER I miss is A le coq).. But I don't really. I am one confused Estonian. I love spicy mexican food, I Love Cosmos, I love rear tuna and CA rolls, and tofu ...
OH, I better stop now... I also don't miss estonian TV, or Radio or literature. OR who is who in there....
ALL I really care is my friends, my family and my boyfriend... But everything is very complicated. SUper complicated. I stop here... because I am sure you are done with this anti Estonian crap...

Monday, April 06, 2009


You know what is sad? My PMS 24/7 is not all that anymore. OH, there are things that get me ANGRY and boiling and smokin' but i take gazillion breaths in and blow them out and i am almost ok . ALMOST.. But one thing that still bugs me.. I still don't know who I really am. I have been doing some soul searching. I know what I like, I know what I hate. I know what turns me on and fires me up. BUT who is real Diana anyway? There are so many ME's IN ME, that time to time i find myself wondering- what the fuck is wrong with me?