Single... In china...

Quick update... I have been in China since 2010.. And past 4 months I am single... Yes, my ex sent me an email while I was in Estonia and told me he wants to divorce. Whatever... I don't deserve emails... I think it was very cowardly way of telling your wife of 15 years ( 16 years together) to end it. Only weak people behave this way.

 I am still in china... And stay here for another year or so..

 I am also working as a Bar manager at a local irish pub here. Job is fun, and I LOVE my customers, but working for a Chinese boss is pain in  rear end....

I am such a bitch...

My biggest PET PEVE Right now!!!  I  DISLIKE THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ESTONIA AND ESTONIANS ANYMORE. :(   well, Estonians who are AMericans, or have been living here YEARS!!  I don't understand them complaining about SOUR cream being to THICH or, beer tasting weird,or where is THE BEST ESTONIAN VODKA, or I miss Estonian candy...  TO BE HONEST_ I DON't Really give a crap- US  has AWESOME VODKA does not give you any headaches.  German stores makes better breads than Estonian breads ever, and  sour cream is AWESOME IN US!!!! SUCH A great taste and less water...
IF U miss Estonia so much - move back !  What is keeping u here ? Seriously? Srry.
today is just one of those days I keep hearing complaints from different people and they all sound the same. I  DON't make  potato salad every event, I don't make fat filled shnitzels or "burgers". WOrld is FULL OF FLAVORS, and I have found my faves.   My only fave Estonian "food" is --- Fresh picked  Mushrooms-- steamed.. Not soaked in some flour cream sauce . I love flavors , but right flavors...

SRRY.. just had to let it out.. We all have our dislikes and likes. and  sometimes I just get annoyed by -- OH, In Estonia we do it like THIS, and THAT.. And of course to add some water into OIL.. I will add my 2 cents-- IN ESTONIA WE WEAR HOOKER CLOTHES EVERY DAY .....

WINE

who, Me????

Yes  US... Our house has been on market now for 2 weeks.   Crazy couple of weeks. ALl I do is clean, and scrub, and vacuum and dust. And i is still nowhere perfect.

We had agents showing. I DON"T like lot of stuff in my house...  More stuff- more stuff to dust and clean. Brokers thought that we have to do more staging, because   looks like noone lives in our house.. I wanted to tell them -  LOOK OUR DRAWERS!!!  Look into our closets.
BUT, I have lot of time in my hands.. I am not in a hurry to move away to Beijing... I am waiting for that ONE. ONE who says -- I WANT it the way your house is.. because I know there is that ONE OUT THERE :D
 I just want that ONE to have kids, because we have great neighbors who have kids. I want that one to be FUNLOVING, Easygoing, CRAZY  OC family, who  knows how to be crazy in a classy way ;) hehe

But  now. --  I want to bitch about things...  I am not sure what "friends" think when I hire them to fix my house???

I can't recommend my friend who hired painters to paint my house because they did FUCKIN HORRIBLE JOB . Even I did better job painting...  and to pay 5200 dollars to get my house BEIGE is a lot of money. I had someone else giving me a quote to REPAINT doors, fiX ALL dry wall issues, REMOV ALL extra nails, REPAINT ALL baseboards and 3 ceilings for 5200 dollars, and they promised to do it  within 2 days because they said they have about 6 workers come in at once do do it....  BUT I decided to use my friend  because i  trusted him.. Mistake.  In FUTURE I will leave my friends out  of  house projects..  I made clear on first time WHAT I wanted to be done and they did not do it.  I am not the one to go after ones neck after and say -- there are about 20 holes needed to be fixed, WHOLE master bedroom dry wall was not patched and CRACKS were not plastered and repainted...   I  told them at first time what to do, and I was told things will be taken care off..      I was hoping that after he does my house, I am going to recommend him to my friends and people who needs things to be done, but I can't.        If you do something right- do it first time..  

I know..  I am to anal.. BUT IF I pay for someone to do it this kind of money.. IT BETTER BE GOOD... actually PERFECT!!!!. AHHH WWTF.. ALl I know , bitch is back and she is here to stay.

Getting ready to move... Pictures and paintings are removed from our walls. Did it with tears in my eyes,  I remember when I took each one of  those pictures and I remember when I put them to walls... I remember  why I chose those images... And to take them down,... was very , very , very hard...
Our home looks and feels COLD without  images, without our personal pieces...
I am  still having conversations with myself... There are hours I am sooo ready to get rid of this house, and then I am about to grab my phone and make a phone call to Realtors...  Love them by the way..
In a way it feels  WRONG to sell this house. IT FEELS WRONG to paint all the walls some sort of beige   so that it would appeal to buyers...  I have to pretend that I love beige??? I have to pretend that I don't like things on walls? I have to pretend that my house is always perfect??? WHAT IS THIS? some sort of  artificial reality?? It is not real.    I have to spend money to make money?? I have to make our home  according what other like. What is wrong with buyers??? WHY can't you see potential yourself. Get it, make changes the way YOU want them.   WHy DO WE have to guess what you BUYERS like?  I hate this, I hate  faking... I hate faking I love beige.. And I am perfect, living clutter free life...   It is just not natural..
Anyway, I have to  make peace with it. and deal with this situation....

Deal ...  What I can not deal with are liars. And that kind of liars who want me to lie to cover their tracks..  Who I thought are my friends are really not..  I am not lying to  make your HOME life peaceful.. Never gonna happen.  I started fresh, and I wanna keep it that way.

I am very opinionated person. I watch LOT of late night tv. and lot of prime time tv.. DVRD... But nothing, NOTHING makes me more emotional than NY housewives, OC housewives, and Atlanta Housewives... I watch these shows and shake my head. THANK YOU ORANGE COUNTY. for keeping me real.   Gossip is good, till it reaches the tipping point. I gossip, I  bitch about my friends, husband , exes. I DO... But I don't feel angry, hurtful towards them.. They are the ones who help me grow stronger, healthier and more beautiful THey are my rocks.


Thank you Friends:)

Love di

Just MY opinion..

 Obesity is NOT a disease.. THERE are diseases that lead to obesity , and if you find out what those diseases are and you take care of them, you will do just fine. 

Now, I am sure there are "few of you" who take it personally, and  start a fire where fire is not needed,  but I stay strong to my OPINION.
I work hard to stay 6-10 size.. It varies from month to month, and I know IF I don't work hard, I end up 300 lb woman because I LOVE FOOD. I can eat nonstop and not feel full. I can...  BUT I choose not to.. I eat, I work out and I enjoy it.


WHEWWWW, I feel better now that i said it OUT LOUD :D

Love as it is :)

Most likely your boyfriend, boytoy, husband, girlfriend lover, girlfriend best friend always tells you.. "YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN  I HAVE EVER KNOWN".:)  Most likely you smile and blush and get down with your business, or just blush, or say AWWW THANKS, or NO WAY , JOSE ;)..

It just made me think.. When did that special someone said that? When you had full make up on, When you just gave the best BJ, when you just had FULL waxing job done  or when you had personality makeover ( I think we all need that last one ).  But seriously.. WHen do guys find us BEAUTIFUL?  Because beauty really is only skin deep, and if your personality sucks   all you really have to is to be good at sex or BJs.. hahah..

I am just in really good mood tonight.  NOT because I had awesome sex...BUT because I had great talk with my husband AND NOT about sex. Just talk about things, without yelling at each other.. "YOU FUCKIN" Moron...... .Instead we just smiled and said.. LET ME THINK about it.. haha.

Anyway... What MAKES you the MOST beautiful Woman to your Partner???   And if you tell me that it is your pinky finger.. I  will just laugh out loud... And I mean it ;)

As much as I hate being me, I actually have more moments Loving ME. I am sure we all remember those teenage years. Everything mattered, everything got under our skin. Every word that people told us made us ether go mad or feel happiness, fall into deep depression, or wonder about gazillion other things. I am glad I am not THAT anymore.

I don't care if someone tells me they don't like my hairstyle.. OK, you don't have to like it. You don;t have it, so why do you even care??? You say you don't understand why I changed my mind about my marriage, and think I am stupid. Again, so ??? Why does it matter to you ? My feelings, My love , my life? Right? You don't like my friends? You don't understand why I communicate with such a broad range of people--- Well, it is easy- Nick and I started out having nothing.. nothing at all. We have all sorts of friends and they are all dear to us. Just be you, but better you. All my friends have something to offer , all of them are equally special for us.
You ask lot of questions but are you really ready for answers, because you may not like what I have to say?
SOmeone wise once said - "Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once." And we are doing it right now. My family is my life, love, pain, tears, laughs, and much more. It makes sense to me, us... We fight for what we love. We make it work ...
Instead of complaining blahblahblah... DO something....

I don't know what to say, or what to do, or how to build my confidence level up again. I want to feel that I can conquer the WORLD, or at least I want to feel like I will be able to do it.
Right now everything is maybe. Maybe I can do this, MAYBE I am smart enough, MAYBE I am beautiful , confident. Maybe. Everything is maybe. I am still lost,.. very lost. Lost in this world Lost in Me. Lost, but longing to find ME, GET TO KNOW ME again.

I am not a great friend, I am not a great person. I AM TRYING, but I am not trying hard enough. I feel like I have separated me from "world" , I am very picky and am very selective and critical about everything and everybody.. In a way I feel good about having my feet on ground, but I am not feeling great about speaking my mind and hurting some people.

Be patient. THere will be more of me:)

I am not here to please anyone. I am here for me. I am here with my thoughts and feelings. I have been honest. I have been ME.
There are days I wish people could be more than themselves. JUST forget about "game faces". Stop pretending that you are something else. But I can't ask for it. It is their choice, their freedom. if they want to pretend, I have to deal with it. But I can't stand it when they turn around and do something behind their friends back..

anger, anger, anger.

I want my anger to leave me alone. I want  to grieve without anger... I feel angry I could not grant Reginas wish to keep her alive.  One of  our last conversations  we had was about letting go, and I told her  that we are happy that she has been our ANgel all these years, but we want  her to be happier and take no mroe medicine, and just let go.....   I remember the look in her eyes.   I remember the sudden saddness that came over her....  She did not speak for 2 minutes a and when she finally did, she only said - " I don't want to die"...
Myself I was dying inside. I could not keep it together, I just cried   while she just laid down her eyes closed....  After that she had  couple of confusing, but good days.. SHe was smiling, and  giving us last directions, and I have not been able to follow those directions. I have not been able to  play online with her webkinz... I look at them daily next to her Urn, but I can't insert her password,  and username.. I cant...

  I feel anger towards cancer, and  how little doctors really know about cancer and genes, and drugs--  .
I feel angry at those few times I got mad at her.... .. 

I HATE GOING TO STORES and seeing HER STYLE EVERYWHERE....  I  Miss making her her favorite foods and making her smile  . I miss how she hugged me when I needed my hug, and I miss hugging her tight when she needed one hug...  I miss how she pushed me away and said -- ENOUGH__- I want to watch TV NOW....


I don't want to miss her so much that it is hard to breathe at times..

 I  LOVE HER SO MUCH IT  HURTS...

Don't mess with Diana Tan. I'm from Seto Ghetto and I can hurt you ;)

Love Hurts

You all know I am complicated and weird. I do my own thing, I walk my own route. Once in a while I get lost , but I find my way out and do my best to be me again. It is so easy to get lost in this mixed up weird perfection seeking world. . With me it is- You see what you get, and sometimes even something extra. You you never know what that extra is... Temper tantrums? sudden laugh out loud without any good reason.. Sudden crying spells.. Yeah. I am human after all. I have feelings, thoughts, obsessions, opinions. I don't care if you don't agree with them. I am not accepting you to agree with me 100%. JUST accept me the way I am. And be ready for surprises:),,,

Love you all :)

I know few of you are confused about what the heck I was talking in my previous post- ME AND CONFUSED?? NEVER.... BUT the truth is.. I have been having those confusing moments more and more.
As some of you know, Nick and I decided to separate. ( WELL, I decided first and he just does whatever I want .. ;) ) I know I know I know, HE is one great catch, and whoever gonna get him will be luckiest woman on earth :) AND that was one of my confusing points... WHY in the world I want to give him up and leave this lifestyle and standards . WHY I am unhappy? I am not. I really am not, but I can't change what my heart says. I can't just look him into eye and lie about rest of my life. THat is not me.
I STILL DO LOVE HIM, and that will never change but my love for him now is more caring , friendly, My love for him is Different...
ANother thing my friends have been asking from me. AM I ready to downgrade my life? AM I? I really don't know.
I am country girl. Grew up with caws and pigs and fleas and chickens and drying hay every summer for cows and digging potatoes out fo ground every year ( YES I DID, and I was younger than gabriel when I first had to do those chores ) Child labor... AND I did fine.. I HATED it, I hated country lifestlye, I hated dirt, I hated doing laundry and dishes by hand. I HATED NOT HAVING AC or running water in house.. I STILL DO HATE THAT. AND I WILL NEVER EVER IN MILLION YEARS GO BACK TO THAT. BUT.. IF I build my own house in country side with AC and heat and running water and bathroom IN HOUSE.. I think I COULD do fine.. I guess.
ANyway. I don't like hard physical work. I am not afraid of it. I can do it, but I HATE IT. I'm no babe, but it's just the way I feel. I like people in US. I love FOOD here, I love drinks here.. Once in a while I will tell people oh yeah, I miss chocolates or beer (ONLY BEER I miss is A le coq).. But I don't really. I am one confused Estonian. I love spicy mexican food, I Love Cosmos, I love rear tuna and CA rolls, and tofu ...
OH, I better stop now... I also don't miss estonian TV, or Radio or literature. OR who is who in there....
ALL I really care is my friends, my family and my boyfriend... But everything is very complicated. SUper complicated. I stop here... because I am sure you are done with this anti Estonian crap...

You know what is sad? My PMS 24/7 is not all that anymore. OH, there are things that get me ANGRY and boiling and smokin' but i take gazillion breaths in and blow them out and i am almost ok . ALMOST.. But one thing that still bugs me.. I still don't know who I really am. I have been doing some soul searching. I know what I like, I know what I hate. I know what turns me on and fires me up. BUT who is real Diana anyway? There are so many ME's IN ME, that time to time i find myself wondering- what the fuck is wrong with me?

I don't feel like PMSing..

.




.. I should, but I don't want to ruin your holiday moods...
I love winter. I love California winter, because it is closest to Estonia Fall. I love rain and storms and clouds. I love stupid people who have no idea how to drive on rain. And I love how they blame how rain made them to have accident.. LOVE IT.

I also love Candlelight and fire on fireplace. It is so beautiful and peaceful. I feel like i don't need my antidepressants anymore, because I have been staring fire in my fireplace past 7 days... Candles are burning nightly and I enjoy my wine with Cheese. ( srry, My butt is getting kind of cheesy too, but who cares.

I also love that my Husband and I have come to an agreement to move on separate ways:) We have stronger and better relationship now. We talk more, laugh more and just hang out. I know, some of you think it is kind of weird that we still live under same roof... BUT, you know what.-- WHY NOT??? We will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary on December 28th. Not sure what we will do, but we have to celebrate it. Kids do not know it yet.... We have our reasons and I know you understand and respect that :)
I know, we are weird. Super weird. ALways been, always will be. That's not gonna change:) And I don't want it to change. I want to be hard to figure out . Nobody but me knows WHO real ME is. And I want it to stay that way:) I know you all have your interpretations about WHO I AM. I wanna hear them:) Don't hold back. LET IT OUT. JUST LIKE I AM DOING. most of the time. ;)

Best buy part 2

Seriously, what the fuck is up with that. I called them today again, REQUESTING return slips... Guess what, Those retards think they are working. They don't do a shit... Second time I asked them to email me those Slips, THEY N EVER DID. AND they do have correct email in their file. Well, it's their loss. I am NOT returning those parts back to them Till they email me some sort of return labels., and I keep calling them till I will be on their blacklist.... DORKS.. That's all I can say...

NOW, on a good note. I can not stand being a woman. I really can't. My hormones are driving me insane, and All I can do is sweat about it... I do not want to go on birth control. Because then I will sweat even more... And most likely get a high blood pressure.. and so on... I just want my beard to stop growing. i am tired of shaving nightly... hehe And there are all these beauty rituals I have to do to look somewhat acceptable... Blah... and that's it..

best Buy drama

Small things, like peoples stupidity is what makes me angry. I can't stand companies, who can't do their job right. I Just don't understand. ALl They got to do is FIND me right AC adapter with right jack....
They keep sending me something that does not work.
Today after 30 minutes on phone, I was told that Srry, HP discontinued doing IDENTICAL adapters to mine.. SO DEAL WITH IT... WTF??? I have warranty. I have no idea what to do. I NEED IT. I NEED MY AC ADAPTER that works with my adapter.

YOU see, this kind of SHIT, that just drives me completely insane. I don't care if they discontinued making then. I NEED ONE, and I need one NOW....

THE one I need is on right, and the WRONG one on left ( They sent me SAME adapter TWICE already )... .... .... Difference in minor, BUT it matter to my laptop. MY laptop needs what it needs, and that end of this fucking story... :(:(:(:(:(

PS. Best Buy partsearch told me to contact HP. Screw them...