Saturday, November 05, 2005

I am so not in good shape.

Oh gawd. What is wrong with me again. I did so good dieting since tuesday. But today I just gave in and ate as much sweets as I wanted. Today our neighbors invited us over for little fall party. It was fun. But if you know me well enough, you know that I never go to peoples houses empty handed. While ago I told my neighbor that I LOVE pumpkin cheesecake. She thought that pumpkin pies look and taste gross and pumpkin cheescakes will taste the same. So I baked he MY version of pumpkin cheescake and after I baked it, I cooled it down, took cookie cutters and cut my cheescake into mini pumkins ( about 3 in ones). It is the BESTESTEST cheesecake ever. She LOVED it. Even her brothers wife who also is PUMKIN hater loved it, and even took few pieces with her. And since I baked it of course I had to have it. And I had BIG time. lol Now I feel big, but in a good way. I just hope that I wount turn into sweet round pumkin..... ;)

Now on a different note.... I had the worst real PMS in my whole life. It started right after my estonia trip( in august) and ended now( 2 days ago). I was moody, crampy, hungry, nauseus, horny, happy, sad, depressed- ALLL same time. I even went to doctor twice to make sure I was not pregnant- THANKS GOD , I was not. And then few days ago I finally got my period and I have never been so exited and happy in my life. lol Doctors these days are really fast recomending antidepressants- they do work really well, and I have tryed them in the past, but I this time around I sayed NO, but thanks for offering. I want to be on control. I want to cry when there is reason for tears, I want to laugh when I am happy . I want to be mad , when something gets on my nerves and most of all I want to feel alive and feel like I am real me. Yeah, at times I feel and act like real wacko but that is normal. Everybody is on drugs these days and It is harder for me to get to know real them. What they really feel, how they really act. It is good to hear that it is helping lot of you out there:) I just want to learn to deal with everything my way. I do shred more tears when I talk about my daughters condition, but that is normal. I have right to feel sad and cry when I feel like I can not hold it in anymore. That is me, those are my emotions, and if you think I am to emotional and hormonal, then you are probably to drugged. ( lol, just kidding). Anyway, I am not sure what I am trying to say. I do not want to put anybody down using meds for depression or anxiety. do so if you feel like it and if you can not deal with what you have to deal with. I just eat my cheescake and call it " My drug".

Good nigh. tomorrow is new day, and I start my diet again and hopefully this time I follow it until thanksgiving ( 24th of november)

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