I am such a bitch...

My biggest PET PEVE Right now!!!  I  DISLIKE THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ESTONIA AND ESTONIANS ANYMORE. :(   well, Estonians who are AMericans, or have been living here YEARS!!  I don't understand them complaining about SOUR cream being to THICH or, beer tasting weird,or where is THE BEST ESTONIAN VODKA, or I miss Estonian candy...  TO BE HONEST_ I DON't Really give a crap- US  has AWESOME VODKA does not give you any headaches.  German stores makes better breads than Estonian breads ever, and  sour cream is AWESOME IN US!!!! SUCH A great taste and less water...
IF U miss Estonia so much - move back !  What is keeping u here ? Seriously? Srry.
today is just one of those days I keep hearing complaints from different people and they all sound the same. I  DON't make  potato salad every event, I don't make fat filled shnitzels or "burgers". WOrld is FULL OF FLAVORS, and I have found my faves.   My only fave Estonian "food" is --- Fresh picked  Mushrooms-- steamed.. Not soaked in some flour cream sauce . I love flavors , but right flavors...

SRRY.. just had to let it out.. We all have our dislikes and likes. and  sometimes I just get annoyed by -- OH, In Estonia we do it like THIS, and THAT.. And of course to add some water into OIL.. I will add my 2 cents-- IN ESTONIA WE WEAR HOOKER CLOTHES EVERY DAY .....

WINE

who, Me????

Yes  US... Our house has been on market now for 2 weeks.   Crazy couple of weeks. ALl I do is clean, and scrub, and vacuum and dust. And i is still nowhere perfect.

We had agents showing. I DON"T like lot of stuff in my house...  More stuff- more stuff to dust and clean. Brokers thought that we have to do more staging, because   looks like noone lives in our house.. I wanted to tell them -  LOOK OUR DRAWERS!!!  Look into our closets.
BUT, I have lot of time in my hands.. I am not in a hurry to move away to Beijing... I am waiting for that ONE. ONE who says -- I WANT it the way your house is.. because I know there is that ONE OUT THERE :D
 I just want that ONE to have kids, because we have great neighbors who have kids. I want that one to be FUNLOVING, Easygoing, CRAZY  OC family, who  knows how to be crazy in a classy way ;) hehe

But  now. --  I want to bitch about things...  I am not sure what "friends" think when I hire them to fix my house???

I can't recommend my friend who hired painters to paint my house because they did FUCKIN HORRIBLE JOB . Even I did better job painting...  and to pay 5200 dollars to get my house BEIGE is a lot of money. I had someone else giving me a quote to REPAINT doors, fiX ALL dry wall issues, REMOV ALL extra nails, REPAINT ALL baseboards and 3 ceilings for 5200 dollars, and they promised to do it  within 2 days because they said they have about 6 workers come in at once do do it....  BUT I decided to use my friend  because i  trusted him.. Mistake.  In FUTURE I will leave my friends out  of  house projects..  I made clear on first time WHAT I wanted to be done and they did not do it.  I am not the one to go after ones neck after and say -- there are about 20 holes needed to be fixed, WHOLE master bedroom dry wall was not patched and CRACKS were not plastered and repainted...   I  told them at first time what to do, and I was told things will be taken care off..      I was hoping that after he does my house, I am going to recommend him to my friends and people who needs things to be done, but I can't.        If you do something right- do it first time..  

I know..  I am to anal.. BUT IF I pay for someone to do it this kind of money.. IT BETTER BE GOOD... actually PERFECT!!!!. AHHH WWTF.. ALl I know , bitch is back and she is here to stay.

Getting ready to move... Pictures and paintings are removed from our walls. Did it with tears in my eyes,  I remember when I took each one of  those pictures and I remember when I put them to walls... I remember  why I chose those images... And to take them down,... was very , very , very hard...
Our home looks and feels COLD without  images, without our personal pieces...
I am  still having conversations with myself... There are hours I am sooo ready to get rid of this house, and then I am about to grab my phone and make a phone call to Realtors...  Love them by the way..
In a way it feels  WRONG to sell this house. IT FEELS WRONG to paint all the walls some sort of beige   so that it would appeal to buyers...  I have to pretend that I love beige??? I have to pretend that I don't like things on walls? I have to pretend that my house is always perfect??? WHAT IS THIS? some sort of  artificial reality?? It is not real.    I have to spend money to make money?? I have to make our home  according what other like. What is wrong with buyers??? WHY can't you see potential yourself. Get it, make changes the way YOU want them.   WHy DO WE have to guess what you BUYERS like?  I hate this, I hate  faking... I hate faking I love beige.. And I am perfect, living clutter free life...   It is just not natural..
Anyway, I have to  make peace with it. and deal with this situation....

Deal ...  What I can not deal with are liars. And that kind of liars who want me to lie to cover their tracks..  Who I thought are my friends are really not..  I am not lying to  make your HOME life peaceful.. Never gonna happen.  I started fresh, and I wanna keep it that way.

I am very opinionated person. I watch LOT of late night tv. and lot of prime time tv.. DVRD... But nothing, NOTHING makes me more emotional than NY housewives, OC housewives, and Atlanta Housewives... I watch these shows and shake my head. THANK YOU ORANGE COUNTY. for keeping me real.   Gossip is good, till it reaches the tipping point. I gossip, I  bitch about my friends, husband , exes. I DO... But I don't feel angry, hurtful towards them.. They are the ones who help me grow stronger, healthier and more beautiful THey are my rocks.


Thank you Friends:)

Love di

Just MY opinion..

 Obesity is NOT a disease.. THERE are diseases that lead to obesity , and if you find out what those diseases are and you take care of them, you will do just fine. 

Now, I am sure there are "few of you" who take it personally, and  start a fire where fire is not needed,  but I stay strong to my OPINION.
I work hard to stay 6-10 size.. It varies from month to month, and I know IF I don't work hard, I end up 300 lb woman because I LOVE FOOD. I can eat nonstop and not feel full. I can...  BUT I choose not to.. I eat, I work out and I enjoy it.


WHEWWWW, I feel better now that i said it OUT LOUD :D

Love as it is :)

Most likely your boyfriend, boytoy, husband, girlfriend lover, girlfriend best friend always tells you.. "YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN  I HAVE EVER KNOWN".:)  Most likely you smile and blush and get down with your business, or just blush, or say AWWW THANKS, or NO WAY , JOSE ;)..

It just made me think.. When did that special someone said that? When you had full make up on, When you just gave the best BJ, when you just had FULL waxing job done  or when you had personality makeover ( I think we all need that last one ).  But seriously.. WHen do guys find us BEAUTIFUL?  Because beauty really is only skin deep, and if your personality sucks   all you really have to is to be good at sex or BJs.. hahah..

I am just in really good mood tonight.  NOT because I had awesome sex...BUT because I had great talk with my husband AND NOT about sex. Just talk about things, without yelling at each other.. "YOU FUCKIN" Moron...... .Instead we just smiled and said.. LET ME THINK about it.. haha.

Anyway... What MAKES you the MOST beautiful Woman to your Partner???   And if you tell me that it is your pinky finger.. I  will just laugh out loud... And I mean it ;)

As much as I hate being me, I actually have more moments Loving ME. I am sure we all remember those teenage years. Everything mattered, everything got under our skin. Every word that people told us made us ether go mad or feel happiness, fall into deep depression, or wonder about gazillion other things. I am glad I am not THAT anymore.

I don't care if someone tells me they don't like my hairstyle.. OK, you don't have to like it. You don;t have it, so why do you even care??? You say you don't understand why I changed my mind about my marriage, and think I am stupid. Again, so ??? Why does it matter to you ? My feelings, My love , my life? Right? You don't like my friends? You don't understand why I communicate with such a broad range of people--- Well, it is easy- Nick and I started out having nothing.. nothing at all. We have all sorts of friends and they are all dear to us. Just be you, but better you. All my friends have something to offer , all of them are equally special for us.
You ask lot of questions but are you really ready for answers, because you may not like what I have to say?
SOmeone wise once said - "Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once." And we are doing it right now. My family is my life, love, pain, tears, laughs, and much more. It makes sense to me, us... We fight for what we love. We make it work ...
Instead of complaining blahblahblah... DO something....

I don't know what to say, or what to do, or how to build my confidence level up again. I want to feel that I can conquer the WORLD, or at least I want to feel like I will be able to do it.
Right now everything is maybe. Maybe I can do this, MAYBE I am smart enough, MAYBE I am beautiful , confident. Maybe. Everything is maybe. I am still lost,.. very lost. Lost in this world Lost in Me. Lost, but longing to find ME, GET TO KNOW ME again.

I am not a great friend, I am not a great person. I AM TRYING, but I am not trying hard enough. I feel like I have separated me from "world" , I am very picky and am very selective and critical about everything and everybody.. In a way I feel good about having my feet on ground, but I am not feeling great about speaking my mind and hurting some people.

Be patient. THere will be more of me:)