I am not here to please anyone. I am here for me. I am here with my thoughts and feelings. I have been honest. I have been ME.
There are days I wish people could be more than themselves. JUST forget about "game faces". Stop pretending that you are something else. But I can't ask for it. It is their choice, their freedom. if they want to pretend, I have to deal with it. But I can't stand it when they turn around and do something behind their friends back..

anger, anger, anger.

I want my anger to leave me alone. I want  to grieve without anger... I feel angry I could not grant Reginas wish to keep her alive.  One of  our last conversations  we had was about letting go, and I told her  that we are happy that she has been our ANgel all these years, but we want  her to be happier and take no mroe medicine, and just let go.....   I remember the look in her eyes.   I remember the sudden saddness that came over her....  She did not speak for 2 minutes a and when she finally did, she only said - " I don't want to die"...
Myself I was dying inside. I could not keep it together, I just cried   while she just laid down her eyes closed....  After that she had  couple of confusing, but good days.. SHe was smiling, and  giving us last directions, and I have not been able to follow those directions. I have not been able to  play online with her webkinz... I look at them daily next to her Urn, but I can't insert her password,  and username.. I cant...

  I feel anger towards cancer, and  how little doctors really know about cancer and genes, and drugs--  .
I feel angry at those few times I got mad at her.... .. 

I HATE GOING TO STORES and seeing HER STYLE EVERYWHERE....  I  Miss making her her favorite foods and making her smile  . I miss how she hugged me when I needed my hug, and I miss hugging her tight when she needed one hug...  I miss how she pushed me away and said -- ENOUGH__- I want to watch TV NOW....


I don't want to miss her so much that it is hard to breathe at times..

 I  LOVE HER SO MUCH IT  HURTS...

Don't mess with Diana Tan. I'm from Seto Ghetto and I can hurt you ;)

Love Hurts

You all know I am complicated and weird. I do my own thing, I walk my own route. Once in a while I get lost , but I find my way out and do my best to be me again. It is so easy to get lost in this mixed up weird perfection seeking world. . With me it is- You see what you get, and sometimes even something extra. You you never know what that extra is... Temper tantrums? sudden laugh out loud without any good reason.. Sudden crying spells.. Yeah. I am human after all. I have feelings, thoughts, obsessions, opinions. I don't care if you don't agree with them. I am not accepting you to agree with me 100%. JUST accept me the way I am. And be ready for surprises:),,,

Love you all :)

I know few of you are confused about what the heck I was talking in my previous post- ME AND CONFUSED?? NEVER.... BUT the truth is.. I have been having those confusing moments more and more.
As some of you know, Nick and I decided to separate. ( WELL, I decided first and he just does whatever I want .. ;) ) I know I know I know, HE is one great catch, and whoever gonna get him will be luckiest woman on earth :) AND that was one of my confusing points... WHY in the world I want to give him up and leave this lifestyle and standards . WHY I am unhappy? I am not. I really am not, but I can't change what my heart says. I can't just look him into eye and lie about rest of my life. THat is not me.
I STILL DO LOVE HIM, and that will never change but my love for him now is more caring , friendly, My love for him is Different...
ANother thing my friends have been asking from me. AM I ready to downgrade my life? AM I? I really don't know.
I am country girl. Grew up with caws and pigs and fleas and chickens and drying hay every summer for cows and digging potatoes out fo ground every year ( YES I DID, and I was younger than gabriel when I first had to do those chores ) Child labor... AND I did fine.. I HATED it, I hated country lifestlye, I hated dirt, I hated doing laundry and dishes by hand. I HATED NOT HAVING AC or running water in house.. I STILL DO HATE THAT. AND I WILL NEVER EVER IN MILLION YEARS GO BACK TO THAT. BUT.. IF I build my own house in country side with AC and heat and running water and bathroom IN HOUSE.. I think I COULD do fine.. I guess.
ANyway. I don't like hard physical work. I am not afraid of it. I can do it, but I HATE IT. I'm no babe, but it's just the way I feel. I like people in US. I love FOOD here, I love drinks here.. Once in a while I will tell people oh yeah, I miss chocolates or beer (ONLY BEER I miss is A le coq).. But I don't really. I am one confused Estonian. I love spicy mexican food, I Love Cosmos, I love rear tuna and CA rolls, and tofu ...
OH, I better stop now... I also don't miss estonian TV, or Radio or literature. OR who is who in there....
ALL I really care is my friends, my family and my boyfriend... But everything is very complicated. SUper complicated. I stop here... because I am sure you are done with this anti Estonian crap...

You know what is sad? My PMS 24/7 is not all that anymore. OH, there are things that get me ANGRY and boiling and smokin' but i take gazillion breaths in and blow them out and i am almost ok . ALMOST.. But one thing that still bugs me.. I still don't know who I really am. I have been doing some soul searching. I know what I like, I know what I hate. I know what turns me on and fires me up. BUT who is real Diana anyway? There are so many ME's IN ME, that time to time i find myself wondering- what the fuck is wrong with me?