I am not here to please anyone. I am here for me. I am here with my thoughts and feelings. I have been honest. I have been ME.
There are days I wish people could be more than themselves. JUST forget about "game faces". Stop pretending that you are something else. But I can't ask for it. It is their choice, their freedom. if they want to pretend, I have to deal with it. But I can't stand it when they turn around and do something behind their friends back..

anger, anger, anger.

I want my anger to leave me alone. I want  to grieve without anger... I feel angry I could not grant Reginas wish to keep her alive.  One of  our last conversations  we had was about letting go, and I told her  that we are happy that she has been our ANgel all these years, but we want  her to be happier and take no mroe medicine, and just let go.....   I remember the look in her eyes.   I remember the sudden saddness that came over her....  She did not speak for 2 minutes a and when she finally did, she only said - " I don't want to die"...
Myself I was dying inside. I could not keep it together, I just cried   while she just laid down her eyes closed....  After that she had  couple of confusing, but good days.. SHe was smiling, and  giving us last directions, and I have not been able to follow those directions. I have not been able to  play online with her webkinz... I look at them daily next to her Urn, but I can't insert her password,  and username.. I cant...

  I feel anger towards cancer, and  how little doctors really know about cancer and genes, and drugs--  .
I feel angry at those few times I got mad at her.... .. 

I HATE GOING TO STORES and seeing HER STYLE EVERYWHERE....  I  Miss making her her favorite foods and making her smile  . I miss how she hugged me when I needed my hug, and I miss hugging her tight when she needed one hug...  I miss how she pushed me away and said -- ENOUGH__- I want to watch TV NOW....


I don't want to miss her so much that it is hard to breathe at times..

 I  LOVE HER SO MUCH IT  HURTS...